Giving it all up for Tom Ford. Goosing for Gucci.

Sometimes I don`t get how we don`t get it.
I don`t get how even some of the people I dearly love routinely stick to The Program.
Is smalltalk and passing the time of day dependent on the ubiquity of The Program?
The Program is the routine and that`s how The Program likes it.
And Tom Ford and his eunuchs. The Program has this compacted irony gas to pump in - Lets us know we can take or leave it. Except the bit about `Leave it`.
A young virtual friend asked me if it was true we used to discuss the weather. Well, yes - with the basic requirement that we notice the weather as the first thing without the distraction or diversion of plugging-in. And there were wild birds and convoys of milkfloats in the Metropolis,even. Mere clatter.

Why pick on Tom Ford? Because I need a man. A gay man? Even better.
I`d read the signs that I was about to give up on newspapers, T.V, magazines. Just leaving the billboards, flashverts and mailshots. De-clutter, de-clatter.
But Tom Ford articled in the June 2007 Observer Woman by Vanessa Grigoriadis bought me the ticket. Tom quit Gucci to do his own thing on behalf of menswear. Tom made certain adaptations to womankind while at Gucci - but he went too far, now he has taken it upon himself to correct the balance. Don`t believe any one man can have such significance? Let Tom tell it to a simpering journalist herself modified by the Tom Ford Diet.
How can I give the minutes of my final encounter with the wafers of irony?

1. `I wish I could`ve been a rock star. They don`t have to talk. Plus they get to sleep all day, do lots of drugs, and have sex with anyone they want`.
2. Vanessa: Tom Ford single-handedly reinvented sexy. [ I assume he did this while romance was wintering in the Bahamas].
3. `Why shouldn`t women have sex for enjoyment? Why should showing off be a bad thing?`
4. Vanessa: Ford taught American women to become sexual dominants, supplying them the costume of [ Time for a list?] stovepipe trousers and Halston-meets-Elsa Perretti white jersey dresses, as well as leather spankers and sterling-silver handcuffs. [Sexual dominance as a costume?]
5. `I feel,` he says breathily, [Tom don`t...pleeassse] `that I am keyed into the female consciousness`.
6. `I am my own muse`.
7. `...but there`s a difference between being egotistical and knowing your value as a product and an actor. I know my value as a product, and I`ve divorced myself as a human from myself as a product.` [Absolutely crystal clear].
8. Vanessa: As a human, Ford is nervous about almost everything, sleeping only a few hours a night, budgeting every minute of the day.
9. Vanessa and Tom get plastic: Ford`s new vision for men is very Ken and Barbie on the jet for the weekend of razzle-dazzle business and pleasure in Dubai. The store [ UK = shop] , which comprises one ready-to-wear floor and a mezzanine of made-to-measure suites, is an Egyptian temple of metrosexuality - gleaming vitrines of [ anyone for a list?] diamond -and-onyx cufflinks, eyeglasses with 18-carat-gold bridges, monogrammed hand-knitted socks, and perfumery of Estee Lauder-produced scents. Ford has said that they are supposed to smell like the sweat of a man`s balls. A woman wants a man to smell like a man, he thinks. `You know, when I was young, men were very attracted to me, and teenage girls were attracted to me, but women weren`t , and now women are very attracted to me,` he confides, `So I think that I know what kind of men women want.` [ Who better to design them?].
10. C`mon Tom, give us a list, details are important: `For evening, we have double-breasted , single-breasted, peak lapel, notch lapel, shawl collar, white dinner jackets, dinner vests, and dressing gowns, which is one fantastic way that a man can be flamboyant. They retail at $3900, which I think, actually, for all the work that went into it in today`s world, is not crazy`.
11. `The shoes, they are like Berluti,` declares a Frenchwoman, handling a pair. `Well,` says Ford, drawing himself up, `I like to think they`re like Tom Ford.`
12. Vanessa and Tom in a hug: `Did you see there?` Ford whispers to me. `I thought the men`s store had to be designed around a vagina.`
13. `We are running a business that`s not for everyone, and I`m not trying to be an asshole [ No need Tom, you are effortless] , some people can`t afford it and maybe there is a sort of resentment about that.`
14. Are you a retard Tom? `Functioning buttonholes start to stand for something more than buttonholes that don`t`.

Enough.

Towering wafers of irony have buried me. Anyone got a dirty bomb filthy enough to take out Tom`s ego?

Yep, that was the day I gave up the newspapers. Again. The Observer, ditto The Times were both shot through with the wafers. I shall add to their circulation problems.

Over at the Sunday Times we`ve got Shane Weston [ A woman]. She`s got lists and irony wafers, stack `em up Shane, atta girl. She`d probably even take the Tom Ford Patent Estee Lauder Detour to get to that ball-licking.

It`s more expensive than just going to that towering Self Development section to scan`n`bag the manual on those strange male creatures. You know how we like it. Shane, possibly you are next on my list.

All deserted/stand alerted.